i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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