I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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