everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize