I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
