there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize