i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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