I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
