you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I would fuck him just for his dog
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
