You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
