Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
