My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
