Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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