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my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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