Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
