ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
