dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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