so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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