So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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