who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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