I skipped work to stalk him.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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