I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
