pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She bit a glass in half.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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