p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
sarcasm needs its own font
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
