I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
