I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
