i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
