did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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