i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
