Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
