Please, let me fuck your mom
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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