He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
