i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize