I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
