He told me they were just razor bumps!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
