if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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