He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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