Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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