just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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