and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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