Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
