Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
