Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
