The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
