At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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