i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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