I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
