Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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