I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
