Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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