Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
