Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
wow bdsm is so cute
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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