i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Drunk is not a location!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
