I should be sponsored by Trojan
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
