haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
