Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
