You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Holy sore nipples Batman
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
