so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
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