dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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